


Grim Existence

by TheOnlyWife



Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25465477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOnlyWife/pseuds/TheOnlyWife
Summary: Sidney Poindexter would have said that school was his favorite place to be. That is, he would have loved school if it weren’t forthem.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Grim Existence

Sidney Poindexter would have said that school was his favorite place to be. He loved learning new information. Things that other kids in his school found boring he found fascinating. That is, he would have loved school if it weren’t for _them_.

“Hey Poindexter, got somewhere to be?” he heard down the hall behind him. He tried to ignore it but when the squeak of dress shoes coming up behind him came uncomfortably close he had to stop walking.

 _Them_ being the jocks. 

They always wore the same things: blazers, jeans, and gelled up hair slicked back. They liked to match each other in some sort of echo chamber routine. The girls did the same, to be fair. They wore the same dresses as each other. They always had colorful bows in their hair, always matching their clothes. Sidney had his own look, too. Checkered pants, a shirt with a pocket protector, and a small black bowtie.

He gripped his books tighter, refusing to look up from the floor, but it didn’t matter when a hand was smacked down on top of them, smashing them into the floor. He bent down to pick them up before they were stepped on, but was kicked to the ground instead. He scrambled to his knees, rushing to pick up the books once more.

“Hey guys, come check out Poindexter!” a boy called down the hall. He still refused to look behind himself, but he knew there were more coming. Some just to laugh, some to flirt with the girls, and some to make it worse.

He heard whispering and giggling to his right. The girls were no better than the boys, though they liked to think they were. They didn’t hit him, but they made his life worse in different ways. They encouraged the boys to hit harder. They tripped him up, claiming it was an accident, but still making jokes at his expense. The gossip was even worse. They could say anything about him and it would spread across the school like wildfire. They said he was a loser with no friends and suddenly everyone knew it. They said he tried to flirt with girls and the jocks hit him harder the next day.

“What a loser…” he heard one of them say. 

“I heard he tried to hit on Tracy…” another said. A lot of the girls made disgusted noises ranging from quiet to ‘meant for him to hear’. They could say anything about him and the rest of the posse would agree.

“Hey, I’m talking to you!” he heard, getting another kick for not listening to whatever the bully said. He grabbed the last book, standing up, but clutching his things tighter this time. He turned towards the group of jocks, some of whom were hovering around the edge of the hallway. He didn’t look them in the eye, but asked “What?” as non-confrontational as he could.

“Got something in your ears, nerd?” Sidney’s feet were suddenly not touching the floor as he was picked up by his collar. He was left dangling, shirt feeling close to ripping.

The bell ringing loudly down the school was what saved him from another pummeling. The girls, wearing bubblegum and berry sundresses scattered, chattering about something meaningless. He saw some of the jocks also leave, but they had to pull on each other’s sleeves in order to get the rest to leave. 

One stuck around, still holding him up by his collar. His name was Jacob, as Sidney had quickly found out. Jake if you didn't want a beating. He was the top football player in school, with a temper and ego to match. 

“Meet me by your locker.” He shoved Sidney to the ground. He popped the collar on his brown leather blazer. “If you don’t show I’ll throw you off the roof tomorrow.” 

Sidney nodded but kept his head down until the scuff of shoes disappeared down the hall. He stood up, brushed himself off, and fixed his black bowtie until it was neat and proper.

The next class was study hall, his favorite. He was in the same class as most of the bullies, who were there for misbehaving. The librarian wouldn’t mind him coming in late; she liked him because he was quiet.

He enjoyed his time there more than anything else. He could read in peace, no fear of being picked on. Ms. Liffin was nice to him, but didn’t tolerate students being loud, which he was thankful for.

Unfortunately, it wouldn’t last long. He had two more classes (and lunch) to go to before the school day would end. They passed by rather quickly. He found himself standing in front of locker #724 before he could process that the school day was over.

He knew how this was going to go. He’s been picked on by the same bully, Jake Rudey, since he started school in Amity Park. Jake is going to say something mean to him, he’s going to ignore him, then he’s going to get stuffed in his own locker, leaving Jake to walk away, laughing. That’s how it had been for over a year now. It was routine at that point.

“Didn’t bring any friends for me to beat today? That’s right, you don’t have any!” the bully sneered, giving him a hard shove on the shoulder. “No one wants to be friends with a loser like you.”

Sidney ignored him the best he could. Don’t look them in the eye, keep a neutral face, and don’t say anything back. He had learned that this was the best way to not come home with a black eye.

“Ignoring me, huh?” Jake grabbed him by his collar for the second time today. “Maybe spending time stuffed in your locker will teach you a lesson.” Jake forced his locker open by brute strength alone, lifting Sidney up as he did so. His spine took the brunt of the blow as it hit the back of the locker. He brought his feet and arms in quickly, leaving room for the door slamming in his face.

Jake sent a high kick to the locker, denting it a bit, and left with a loud laugh, as predicted. Sidney had spent much time in here; he knew that the janitor would come get him in a few hours when he did his rounds around the school. It was a grim sort of routine between the two of them.

The unfortunate part about it, though, was that he had to spend quite a bit of time stuck in his locker. They were not meant to hold more than a backpack and some books. A coat if it was small enough. It was not meant for a person.

After what only felt like an hour, Sidney could barely breathe. His lungs were being pressed down on so hard that the only breaths he could take in were small, quick ones. He looked over into the mirror in the back of the locker and saw himself, crushed up into such a small space. The hands pressed against the bottom of the locker were small and frail. The fact that he could fit in the locker was an attestment to how small he was, even if it was bone-crushing. Nothing like the jocks with their strong, muscular bodies.

The mirror had been a gift from his grandmother when he was in his first year of high school. It had been beginning to rust when he first got it, and kept wearing down going into his second year.

He had kept it, though, because it was the only thing he had to remember his grandma by. He wonders if she’s in heaven or if she’s a ghost. He hadn’t known her well enough to remember if she had ‘unfinished business’. He would give anything to have one more conversation with her. About anything, really. Anything she wanted to talk about.

Sidney jumped a bit when he heard an echoey knock on the locker’s door. “You in there?” he heard someone say through the muffling metal.

“Yes, I’m in here!” he called out loudly.

He heard a brief jangling of keys before it stopped and one was shoved in the keyhole. It turned both ways before opening. The janitor’s scruffy half-beard was the first thing he saw, followed by him quickly attaching the many keys back on his belt. When he stepped back, Sidney took the opportunity to climb out of the locker feet first.

“Next time get yourself out.” the janitor says gruffly, slamming the locker the second Sidney was out of it. “I have better things to be doing.”

Sidney had always known that relying on the school janitor to get him out wouldn’t work out forever. He had only hoped that he wouldn’t be that much of a burden on him. Faced with the fact that he was one killed a small part of him.

He watched as the janitor left, dragging alone his dirty mop and bucket as he walked down the hall and towards the first floor closet where he kept his supplies. Sidney knew that because he had hid in there a few times when the jocks were looking for their favorite punching bag.

The hallway lights were out this time, signalling that it was much later than Sidney had thought it was. His parents would be upset with him if he wasn’t back soon. His father especially would not be happy. And the last thing Sidney wanted was to make the man angry. His mother always paid for it.

Once the janitor was out of sight, he walked in the opposite direction to where the back exit was. He had a long walk home since he missed the 3:00 bus.

The lights being off made the school look different. The usually busy hallways were quiet, too. He walks slower when he passes by the vending machine. He once had been forced to give up all his lunch money to the bullies, who used it to buy egg creams for everyone except him.

He passed by Mrs. Silvia’s classroom. He remembers day after day, sitting in that math class and being pelted with spitballs. The teacher, as best she could, tried to calm everyone down, to no avail. She was a gentle, kind lady, but didn’t know how to deal with rebels.

He remembers having countless homework sheets torn up and thrown on the ground along with him. He remembers sitting in the library, his one safe place, and being picked on because the librarian had left for ten minutes.

He remembers the first time someone told him to kill himself.

It was after school, just before summer break. The school’s football team had lost the final game. To make themselves feel better, the whole team dragged Sidney out to the field for the roughest beating he had ever gotten. After they were done, and he was on the ground, dirt trapped in his fingernails, they spit at his feet and told him that the world would be better off without him.

He keeps walking down the halls until he gets to the back exit. The doors were left unlocked, as they usually were, letting him step out into the chilly night air. He knew how to get home from here, it was only a matter of how long it would take. If he didn’t have to avoid bullies, it would take 45 minutes. An hour if he did.

Lucky for him, they had gone home by the time the sun had set. It meant he could walk home in peace. But it also meant that he was left alone with his thoughts. Dark, intrusive ones. He stared at the ground while he walked along the sidewalk.

He imagined his death for what felt like the hundredth time. He could suffocate in his locker. He could starve if they kept taking his lunch money. He could throw himself off the roof.

That was the one he considered, instead of thinking about. He had thought about doing it a long time ago. Before the bullies told him to kill himself. After they had, he thought about it more often. He had gone as far as to go up to the roof every so often. Just to see how far of a drop it would be. To remind himself that there was _always_ a way out.

He adjusted his bowtie and tucked his hands in his pockets. Taking in a deep breath of cold air, he looked to the stars. They glowed brightly, along with an almost full moon.

Maybe tomorrow would be the day he wouldn’t be a coward. Maybe tomorrow he could kill himself.

* * *

Sidney got up early that morning. Before the sun even rose he was walking to school. He hadn’t taken the bus; it wouldn’t run for over an hour. He walked for almost a mile just to get there early enough.

He walked in through the back door, which was always unlocked. He knew where the janitor stashed his keys: in the first floor closet. The only closet that didn’t lock. Sidney took the keys up to the third floor, where the roof’s door greeted him. He fumbled with the keys, looking for the right one.

Once he found it, he opened the door to the roof. He threw the keys down on the ground, letting the door close behind him.

He slowly made his way over to the edge that faced the front of the school. The sun was beginning to rise. He decided to sit down on the ledge and watch it one more time. It really was such a beautiful thing.

It wouldn’t last, though. Soon enough there were groups of students walking down to the front entrance. Sidney recognized most of them: the jocks who picked on him, the girls who tripped and made fun of him, and the quiet kids who didn’t do anything, but never helped either.

He watched as they mingled with each other seamlessly, like having good, caring friends was second nature. Though, he supposed, none of that mattered. He stood on the ledge, glaring down onto the mass of students. They wouldn’t see him up here, not until he got their attention.

Part of him thinks that if he went back down the stairs now, no one would know about what he was planning on doing. He could go to school, study, be bullied, and go home as if nothing happened. 

The other part of him was tired. Tired of having to hold back and stay silent when people said cruel things about him. Tired of being kicked and yelled at. Tired of living like this. 

He was too weak and cowardly to go on. Or he was strong enough to do something about it. It didn’t matter; It all was the same in the end. He took one more glance down at the growing body of people.

He vows that if he lives, he’ll run away and never come back. And if he dies, he’ll haunt everyone who hurt him for the rest of their existence. 

Sidney adjusted his bowtie one final time, extended his arms, and jumped.

**Author's Note:**

> Gift fic for gally-hin on Tumblr who wanted Sidney's origin story!


End file.
